Ruth O'Reilly-Smith, Author at 1Africa

Understanding the power of influence

June 30, 2016

Gary Chapman, relationship counsellor and author of The Five Love Languages series, says we are not able to change a person, but we are able to influence them. Those we long to change are usually those we care about most or work closely with, but when enthusiasm for our strongly held values, beliefs, and ideals leads to an attempt to control, we can permanently damage the relationship.

Now that we’re halfway through 2016, how do you feel as you consider some of the goals you started the year with? Perhaps you feel despondent at not being any closer to achieving your goals, or maybe you feel deflated because you reached your goals weeks ago and you’ve now plateaued and have nothing to work towards during the second half of the year.

John Maxwell, author and speaker, suggests that rather than being goal-conscious, we should be growth-conscious. He reminds us that “leaders develop daily, not in a day”. Rather than being goal-conscious, where the primary aim is a specific destination, he urges us to be growth-conscious and focus on the journey instead. While important, rather than being overly concerned with outcomes, the growth-conscious leader is more concerned with improvement, progress, and learning the right lessons over time. Maxwell says influence and personal growth are closely intertwined, claiming that when we stop growing personally, we stop being able to effectively influence those around us – you “can’t take others to a place you’ve never been yourself”. A growth-conscious person is able to put goals into the proper perspective. “The path they’re traveling matters more to them than the place where they’re going”.

You may not be a leader in the traditional sense of the word, but we’re all leaders with a sphere of influence. As parent, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker, or CEO, you have the ability to influence a person or a group of people. The degree to which you are able to positively influence those around you is directly proportionate to your willingness to work at becoming the person you were created to be.

In 2009 and 2010, Discovery Learning, Inc. and Innovative Pathways conducted research to identify and measure styles of influencers. Here are the five styles of influence:

Asserting: You insist that your ideas are heard and you challenge the ideas of others.

Convincing: You put forward your ideas and offer logical, rational reasons to convince others of your point of view.

Negotiating: You look for compromises and make concessions to reach outcomes that satisfy your greater interest.

Bridging: You build relationships and connect with others through listening understanding and building coalitions.

Inspiring: You advocate your position and encourage others with a sense of shared purpose and exciting possibilities.

Whatever your style, your ability to influence for the good will be easier when you embrace the type of influencer you are. You may not be able to change a person or a team of people, but as you focus on your own personal growth, you will begin to influence issues, ideas, and ultimately people.

Fear vs faith

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

June 23, 2016

I live in Tshwane, South Africa and my husband is currently working in the UK. The two of us may be worlds apart at the moment, but the psyche of the cultures we’re living in, is almost identical. In both hemispheres, we’re grappling with a palpable sense of fear.

With the UK voting on whether to leave Europe or not, both the “in” and “out” campaign are playing to some of our deepest fears. The “in” campaign claims that leaving the EU would spiral the UK into another deep recession, while the “out” campaign downplays the possible financial fallout and rather focuses on the seemingly unstoppable influx of immigrants into a country that’s already under tremendous strain.

On Tuesday this week, residents of Tshwane were left reeling as the city came under siege with violent protests breaking out across three of the biggest townships in the capital. Protesters claimed they were unhappy with the proposed candidate for mayor of Tshwane. By lunchtime an eerie silence had settled over the usually vibrant centre of town as shops closed their doors early and people fled out of fear.

As I drove home with my children after school, I saw queues of people snake down roads and around corners, all desperate to get a seat in a taxi or on a bus. It was early afternoon and the roads were jam-packed. Panic had set in and everyone was fleeing the city. They all wanted to get home, to safety.

Although air travel made the world smaller for a while, in recent years, with the threat of terrorism, genocide, and war, many countries have started closing ranks in the hope of keeping the undesirables out.

I don’t have a solution to migration, but I do know that fear cripples societies and the only way to counteract it, is through faith.

Faith in who we are as essentially human – created by God. Faith in our ability to be kind and generous to each other, regardless of culture, religion, or nationality. Faith in our ability to see each individual as we would hope they would see us.

Martin Luther King Jr. (minister and activist) once said, “Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. There was no one there.”

When all around you fills you with fear, close your eyes and have faith. The Bible says, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 1:1).

Dear Younger Me

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

June 17, 2016

Dear Younger Me,

You know that girl you think is sooo cool, the one you’re trying to be like? Just so you know, she’s probably trying to be like someone else (maybe even you). So, rather than imitate her and the way she walks, talks and has her hair cut and highlighted, just be yourself. You’re beautiful the way you are – love yourself. Oh and, toss the bad language; swearing around people you want to impress so you fit in is totally uncool and in fact it makes you look pretty stupid – like someone who has a very limited vocabulary. Why do you want to hang around people like that anyway? Blaze your own unique path – you have it in you, go for it.

Stop trying to be such a rebel – it just doesn’t suit you, you’re far too nice. Get used to the fact that people like you because you’re friendly, kind, intelligent, and you have a great smile.

Stop sitting on the fence when it comes to your faith – just choose to follow God with all your heart. He wins in the end anyway so stop fighting Him.

Don’t even try smoking. It gives you bad breath, bad lungs, bad looks, and a bad habit.

Don’t wait for that guy you’ve had a huge crush on all of high school to ask you to your final year dance. Believe me, if you go with him, you’ll hate every minute of it. Rather go with a friend who’ll treat you like the princess you are.

About drugs. Just don’t do it. Seriously. Anyone who tells you that they don’t know what all the fuss is about, has fallen for one of the greatest deceptions known to man. If someone you love and trust tells you to just try it once, say “no” and then get some distance between you and that person – and pray that they’ll soon realise they’re living a lie.

And, don’t let alcohol become your default when you need to unwind, de-stress, feel happy, or have fun. If you allow alcohol to become your “go-to” in a crisis or to boost your mood, it’ll turn on you like a vicious beast and devour you before you have chance to run.

Don’t be such a shameless flirt. You’re not playing fair. Be playful but know your limits and your boundaries and stick to them. Don’t manipulate, seduce or lead him on with your beauty and charm. As you value and love yourself, so value and love him and see him as His maker sees him.

When it comes to sex – get married first. Don’t be so eager to lose your virginity. Don’t be desperate to give him something that was only ever meant to be given to your husband. As much as you like him and are attracted to him, know who you are and value who you are. Be aware that he doesn’t actually love you if he isn’t prepared to put a ring on your finger and promise to stay faithful to you until death parts you, before he makes love to you. Sex before marriage brings a whole lot of insecurity and pain into a marriage which can take many years to resolve. You don’t need that kind of stress when you’re already trying to navigate how to do life in such close proximity to another human being who has another whole history behind them.

Enjoy life in the moment. Love yourself. Love people. Be aware of and acknowledge the little people, don’t step on them. Be confident but not arrogant. Volunteer more. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Be bold but humble. Laugh out loud. Keep in touch with friends. Don’t take offence so quickly. Don’t get into debt – if you want it, save for it. And, lighten up.

The key to breaking a bad habit

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

June 10, 2016

Henry Ford once said “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”.

Does it feel like you’re going round and round the same old destructive habit that you’d love to finally be free of? Perhaps it’s an angry outburst that’s left another relationship in tatters, or a binge eating or drinking session that has you wracked with guilt for the umpteenth time, or maybe your habit of lying or stealing has left you out of a job – again. If you’re frustrated at getting what you’ve always got, perhaps it’s time to try something different.

Sometimes we don’t even know why we do something and perhaps that’s where we need to start – by asking “why”.

One Sunday morning a young girl watched as her mom prepared the roast for lunch. When, as per usual, her mom sliced a small piece of the roast off at one end before placing it into the roasting dish, the little girl asked why she always cut that piece of meat off. Her mother didn’t know but she’d always seen her own mom do it. When she asked her mom why she’d always cut a small piece of the Sunday roast off, she said it was because her mom had always done it. It turns out that her mom always cut that small piece of the roast off so it could fit into her roasting dish, which was too small.

Generations had come and gone before one little girl finally asked “why” and I imagine the family no longer cut off and waste a piece of the Sunday roast.

When it comes to overcoming destructive habits, virtual mentor Michael Hyatt refers to the metaphor of the pin oak tree. This tree keeps its leaves during the winter months and when the leaves die in the autumn, they remain attached to the oak’s branches until the new leaves appear in the spring and push the old ones off the branch.

Now you could remove these leaves by hand, but that would just be silly. The leaves come off on their own when new growth appears in the spring.

Bad habits are similar. You can focus on eliminating them. Or, you can focus on developing positive habits. When you do this, you will naturally, and more easily, remove the bad habits.

Psychologists refer to this as sublimation.

You could for example focus on:

Eating tasty, fresh vegetables instead of eliminating junk food
Drinking eight glasses of water a day instead of cutting down on your coffee intake
Complimenting your spouse instead of breaking your pattern of arguing
Reading more books instead of cutting down the time you spend surfing the Internet
Praying for what you need instead of worrying about what you don’t want
Intentional relaxing rather than smoking
Taking up hiking rather than changing your sedentary lifestyle

The point is to focus on building a good habit rather than eliminating a bad one. Do just one thing differently and begin to see a change for the good.

Be flexible to finish

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

June 2, 2016

Last Sunday close to 22 000 people from all over the world competed in one of the greatest marathons – The Comrades in Durban, South Africa. I’m a bit of an arm-chair athlete myself, so while others push their bodies to the absolute limit by running, walking, or crawling across the finish line, I’m happy to sit and watch in astonished awe at throngs of people snake their way along the route.

There are many great running and race analogies I could write about but I’ll leave that to another day. What I did want to remind you of, is that there is more than one way for you to reach your goal, and that being flexible in your efforts to attain your dreams will increase your chances of success. It’s a little like taking the shortest route to get to a meeting. It may make perfect sense to go a specific way, but when you come to an unexpected delay because of an accident or lights that are out, you would be wise to take the detour. It may be longer, and you may arrive at your destination slightly later than expected, but at least you won’t be sitting in a long queue, having missed your meeting altogether.

We are often so focused on a specific plan for reaching our goals, that we forget that there are in fact many possible ways we can get there. Flexibility on the journey to accomplishing our dream is what keeps us from freezing when we’re faced with an unexpected delay.

Here are four keys that will help you accomplish your goals by being flexible – this is an excerpt from a post by Megan Hyatt Miller, Chief Operations Officer of Michael Hyatt & Co. (A guest post on www.michaelhyatt.com):

There are no sacred cows: Your goals may be sacred, but your strategy for attaining them shouldn’t be. All that matters is whether it works or not.
A plan is still important: You may be tempted to think that creating a game plan to accomplish your goals is a waste of time. Far from it. After all, having a plan is what gets us in motion, moving toward our goals. Just remember to hold it loosely as obstacles arise.
Possibility thinking is the secret sauce: Shifting gears from one strategy to the next presumes that you believe a better strategy exists, even if you don’t know what it is yet.
Show your work: If you’re leading a team, this is a critical final step. You must explain your rationale for changing strategy to your team, and you must enroll them in your vision. This sets your team up for alignment with you, and the willingness to follow where you lead, even if it’s disruptive in the short term.

Keep in mind that the key to achieving your goals, whether it’s to get a promotion or to complete next year’s Comrades Marathon, is to develop a tolerance for “changing your route” as often as you need to get to your goal.

God speaks. Are you listening?

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

May 26, 2016

Liezel joined me at church and youth group and sat in on many of the SCA (Student Christian Association) meetings in high school – she loved being around Christians but she wasn’t ready to surrender her life to God.

As we walked out of church one night she reflected on the message about the end times and the rapture of all the believers into heaven and laughingly said she’d be partying until she heard the sound of trumpets, announcing the return of Jesus Christ, before she gave her life to Him.

That’s quite a statement to live under – partying hard, while listening out for the trumpet call of heaven, but I think a lot of people live like that. Nobody wants to seriously contemplate the possibility of spending an eternity in hell and so, we hedge our bets and go to church, at least a few times a year, give our money to the poor and unused clothing and food to charity and try and be good – all in the hope that if God is real, we may just get into heaven by the skin of our teeth.

Some years ago, I got chatting to a guy who believes that God exists, but He doesn’t communicate with or gets involved in the affairs of mankind. If God stays at arm’s length from man, we are left to our own devices and so enjoy the benefits of good choices and suffer the consequences of bad choices without direction from our Creator.

I, on the other hand, grew up learning about a God who wants to communicate with us, who wants us to know Him and His heart for us and who made a way – through the death and resurrection of His own Son – for us to hear Him.

God spoke to our eight-year-old son the other day. I was late to collect him after soccer practice, so he walked to the school library to see if I was there, but it was closed. Next, he went to aftercare, but I wasn’t there either. As he started heading back towards the soccer field, he stopped and asked God to tell him where he could find his mommy. When he heard nothing, he asked God to give him a sign to show him which way he should go. As he finished praying, he looked up to see the leaves on the ground pointing in a specific direction, so he walked that way and who should be coming up the stairs at the very moment he was coming down them – yip, it was me, his mommy. What a happy reunion that was!

Regardless of who you are, how old you are, where you’ve been or what you’ve done, know this – God is real and He is speaking to you all the time. We just have to tune in to the frequency of His voice. Perhaps if, like my son, we’re looking for how God is communicating to us, we’ll hear and see more of Him.

Why poverty scares us

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

May 20, 2016

As we approach an icy winter in my home country, South Africa, the familiar charity campaigns on many radio stations, in shopping malls, charities, and churches remind us once again of the desperate needs of the poor and vulnerable in our society. Although we live alongside these people all year round, there are only a few times a year when efforts are exponentially mobilised to focus our attention, resources and time on them. The winter season, Mandela Day, and Christmas all force us to look into the eyes of the needy, pause, and actually do something to help them, albeit for a few fleeting moments.

These efforts are admirable and they do make a difference in the lives of many people across the country during some of the most challenging times of the year. There’s also no doubt our actions make us feel like we’re doing enough to bring a glimmer of hope to those on the edges of society, but I do think we shouldn’t be drawn into the false sense of belief that helping the poor three times a year is enough.

Poverty can leave us feeling overwhelmed to the point of becoming desensitised and numb to the human being behind the bigness of the need.

Could it be that one of the reasons we struggle with poverty is because the person behind it scares us? We’re scared of the commitment we feel we’re obliged to make when we reach out. It’s a legitimate feeling, but when it pulls us back from the most needy in our society – back to our safe, warm houses with full bellies – and we deliberately turn our eyes away from the need, our hearts grow cold and we can’t live in the warm glow of the blessing of giving: giving of ourselves; our time, resources, and experience.

It only takes one genuine interaction with someone less fortunate or more vulnerable than us to see, and not be afraid of the humanity behind the poverty. Everyone has a story to tell and most people just want to be heard. How many of us would be willing to pause long enough to simply hear someone’s story? I heard a guy speak about his work with the homeless and poor and he said that one of the simplest ways to make someone feel human is to intentionally acknowledge them and not ignore them.

That feel-good-factor you get when you give the man or woman at the lights your leftover sandwich or apple, donate your old clothes to charity, or bring tinned food to your church can be felt more than just three times a year. When we deliberately live intentionally aware of the need around us, not fearing it, ignoring or running from it, but facing it and choosing to do what we can, with what we have, we come alive to the beauty of being a blessing to another human being.

Moments of serendipity

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

May 12, 2016

I had a moment of serendipity today. I haven’t had one of those in a while – well, I probably have had them, but I haven’t recognised them as such. That one moment during peak-time traffic on the school run this morning was then followed by more serendipitous moments involving balloons, swallows, and ducklings.

Serendipity means the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way – in other words, a “purple cow” moment. When was the last time you saw a purple cow? Exactly! What would you do if you did see one? Yip, you’d at least look twice. You might even reverse your car and go back to where you thought you saw a purple cow, because you can’t quite believe you saw one grazing in the field, alongside all the other brown or black and white cows. In his book Purple Cow: Transform Your Business by Being Remarkable, Seth Godin suggests that the only way your business can stand out from the rest is to be truly exceptional – be a “purple cow”.

Although none of today’s moments of serendipity included purple cows, the first one involved a flower. And, not just any flower, a sunflower – my favourite flower. There it was, growing tall in the middle of the highway. I drive this route every day, at least twice a day and I had never seen a sunflower (or any other flower or living thing) growing out of the road at the very point where I had to turn off this busy road. I don’t know if I’m going to see that sunflower on my way to school tomorrow morning but I do know that it was almost like a hand from Heaven reached down and planted it right there. A beautiful, big, yellow sunflower, for me to see, on a day that proved to be one of the most jam-packed I’ve had in a long time.

My unexpected moment of serendipity forced me to put the morning rush on hold and stare (cue wide open mouth.) I’m so grateful for that moment – it helped me be at peace throughout the day, knowing without doubt that regardless of how much I had to get done, someone greater than me was looking out for me and cared about a seemingly insignificant thing like my favourite flower.

It also helped me notice the small brightly-coloured, star-shaped helium balloons floating by during my son’s soccer practice, the swallows above the school roof, and when I got home, I was able to pause long enough to enjoy the birth of six new-born ducklings.

Sometimes what you’re looking for comes when you’re not looking at all. I hope you’re as surprised as I was today by a moment of serendipity.

Do you get what I’m saying?

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

May 6, 2016

I recently saw two chameleons on a farm in Pretoria, South Africa – one was bright green and the other was dark brown. I almost missed the brown one as it sat calmly on a tree trunk. Seeing the different coloured chameleons only further reinforced my belief that a chameleon changes colour depending on its environment; that the brown one had got that way by sitting on the brown bark of a tree. It turns out however, that this long-held view is a myth. A chameleon changes colour as a form of communication – it’s an important sign of a change in mood and signals aggression, territory, and mating behaviour. Rather than change colour because it was sitting on a brown tree trunk, the chameleon was communicating that it was either carrying eggs or wasn’t in the mood for mating.

Effective communication is one of the greatest life skills we can learn. Brian Tracy (motivational author and speaker) says “communication is a skill that you can learn. If you’re willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life.” From the moment we’re born, we’re trying to get messages to anyone who can see or hear us. We learn through trial and error, how best to communicate our thoughts, feelings, emotions and knowledge to others, all in the hope of getting the desired response. But many of us never move from a basic level of communication and so miss out on imparting our skills, talents, experiences and abilities to others.

We learn to communicate effectively by changing the way we communicate, depending on who we’re with.

I’ve worked in the radio broadcasting industry for more than twenty years and so, when I accepted a brief stint as substitute English teacher, I felt like an alien landing on a different planet. As I walked into the staffroom, I noticed that the teachers were using terms I was unfamiliar with. Only as I began to understand some of these unique terms, could I have a decent conversation with the other teachers.

My experience reminded of the words of Paul, the man who so eloquently explained the teachings of Jesus Christ in the Bible. “I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some^” (1 Corinthians 9:19-23).

In order for us to be more effective at getting our message across, we must learn to connect with people by understanding who they are and how they communicate, and that only happens when we start by watching and listening to them and learning from them.

Why I stopped swearing

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

April 21, 2016

If cleanliness is close to godliness then hip-hop music is in danger of hell-fire. According to a study by the lyrics website Musixmatch, hip-hop is the most profane music genre, followed by heavy metal. The website analysed lyrics from pop, hip-hop, indie rock, folk, heavy metal, country, and electronic music. Of the 361 artists, rappers reigned supreme as the worst dirty-mouthed artists. US rapper Lil Wayne has the highest count of swear words in his lyrics, followed closely by Tupac Shakur, Snoop Dogg, Busta Rhymes and TI Wayne.

I grew up in a Christian home with Godly parents who were very involved in the local church. I was a good girl at home; compliant, obedient, and eager at Sunday school and youth group. But underneath the shiny veneer of the sweet-little-angel was a rebellious teenager who wanted desperately to fit in with the cool kids at school. I started using words to get noticed. I became pretty good at re-using every foul word I heard in a way that grabbed the attention of anyone within earshot. In short, I swore like a sailor at school and took my halo out, dusted it off and put it back on when I got home or went to church.

Years later, I chose to follow Jesus with all my heart and one of the first things I knew I needed to change, was my words. If I was going to be a good ambassador for God, I could no longer use the cuss words that had so quickly become my default. I knew that what comes out of the mouth is a public declaration of what’s really going on inside the heart (the Bible tells us that in Luke 6:45). Like a tea bag, it’s only when it gets in hot water that you get to see what’s inside.

What comes out of your mouth when you land in hot water? Or like that toothpaste analogy – when you squeeze the toothpaste tube, what comes out? When you get squeezed by the tough-stuff of life, what comes out of you?

I had to re-train my thinking and speaking. As I saturated myself with new, positive words from the Bible, good books and life-affirming songs, my thoughts started changing and in time, I changed. As a man thinks in his heart, so is he, the Bible says (Proverbs 23:7). I no longer wanted to be known as the rebellious girl who used the meanest, baddest words around. I’ve changed, and now I speak life.

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