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Cassan Ferguson

Everything the light touches

Cassan Ferguson
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Everything the light touches

As a kid growing up I used to fear the dark. I would sleep with a night-light on, and when I was older (*cough, cough* a teenager) I insisted that the passage light remained on during the night, so that I could dimly see what was around me. Because I have quite an active imagination, I would picture all sorts of things lurking in the dark. Which always left me feeling anxious and fearful at night.

Now that I am in my thirties, I still have moments where the dark gets the best of me, and I have to quickly put the lights on, as a means of putting my over active imagination back in its place.

The dark spaces

There is something about not knowing what could possibly transpire within dark spaces. The thought of something lurking in the darkness ready to pounce and attack us when we are at our most vulnerable, is an overwhelming if not daunting thought.

Just as we can fear the actual dark, we too have hidden internal fears that we keep secret within our hearts. It may be fears, insecurities, doubt, hurt, or any lingering unwelcome thought or feeling that roots itself in our hearts and wrestles with us when in those secret dark spaces.

The power of the light

When I need to navigate my way through the house during the night, I can very easily switch on a light or use my phones torch to light the way. If I try to find my way through the dark with no help, chances are I will walk into something (or in my case – crash into something) and I won’t feel confident, as I won’t be able to see exactly where it is that I am going, or what I am doing.

If I try to do things in the dark, chances are I will get lost, it will take longer, and probably it will end up making me feel more stressed and anxious. But, when I put the lights on – I see everything clearly, and know exactly where I need to go. Therefore, I will have direction, purpose, and feel confident and calm when accomplishing whatever it is that I need to do.

A holy shakeable light

It’s the same with us, and all the things we keep tucked hidden in our hearts. Those not so nice things that end up haunting us, and leave us feeling anxious, fearful or disheartened. However, when we confess with our mouth out aloud those fears, or thoughts, we almost feel a sense of release, like we can breathe again.

Why?

Because we brought what was hidden, what was weighing on us, into the light. Bringing things to the light, and out in the open allows us to feel free from the clutches of darkness. Darkness along with its lies is very deceiving, and leaves us to, believe, think and feel otherwise.

In the Bible says:

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.” – John 1:5

When we bring our mess, our fears and all the little hidden secrets that weigh on us into Gods Holy wonderful light, darkness has to flea. We can do this through praying to God, and confessing with our mouth the very things that weigh on us. We can ask God to free us from the darkness’ lies, and ask Him to empower and heal us as we move forward walking in His Holy light. We can reach out to close friends who can encourage and pray for us as we courageously move forward in freedom and hope that Gods light brings with Him.

Do not let those hidden fears cause you to suffer in silence in the darkness. Let God restore, and shine a light in those dark spaces. Let His love restore and redirect you from the darkness into his Holy light. If this post spoke to you and you would love to know more about walking in Gods truth, love, and Holy light, then may I encourage you to click on the banner link below.

Mind your manners kids

Cassan Ferguson
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Mind your manners kids

Every parent dreams of their children growing up having polite manners, and knowing when to say “please, thank you, you’re welcome” as well as responding and obeying simple requests gracefully (for the most part) . Yet, kids are kids, and they don’t just magically become of aware of being polite and using manners in their day-to-day. It’s something that needs to be encouraged and instilled into them.

The other day my toddler son came home from school and said something that we do not say in our house. It was so strange, because in general he is very respectful and has the most lovely manners, if I do say so myself. But he heard a phrase that was said by another older kid at school and he said it to me without realizing the weight of his words. We then had to chat about good and bad words, and go over manners in general.

This reminded me that not only do our children learn and model behavior from us, but they learn it from their peers at school too. Therefore, as parents we need to keep on reiterating the importance of good manners and etiquette, so that they grow up learning it to be their norm.

How to encourage good manners

1. Expect respect – As parents we need to always set the tone as to what is appropriate behaviour, especially when it comes to how children show respect for their elders. Often modern parents let their children get away with saying and doing some pretty cheeky things, not only to them the parents, but to others as well. Therefore, teach your kids to show and have respect towards you, and vice versa.

2. Teach polite sayings from an early age – As soon as your little ones start putting phrases together, you need to start encouraging basic politeness like: “please, thank you, excuse me, you’re welcome, may I have” and so on. These are basic polite sayings and phrases for little ones to master, and should totally be the norm.

3. Model good manners – As parents we are the first point of reference when it comes to how our children should behave, as they model our behavior. We can’t expect them to have amazing manners themselves, whilst we behave poorly.

4. Coreect politely – When your child is still learning to master the art of good manners, it’s important to encourage and correct them lovingly. After all you are encouraging them to be polite, therefore, correct them politely and encourage them to master their manners.

5. Encourage and acknowledge good manners – Whenever my toddler son remembers to use his manners naturally, I almost immediately praise him and commend him for using excellent manners. Which in turn encourages him that his manners are well received, and noted, and it encourages him to keep on speaking and behaving with respect.

Remember:

The important thing to note is that at any point we can encourage good polite manners. No child is too young or too old to learn how to behave in a respectful way. Therefore, it’s never too late to hop onto the polite manners train moms and dads!

Why we procrastinate and how to stop it

Cassan Ferguson
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Why we procrastinate and how to stop it

You have a million projects and deadlines due all for the same unrealistic date, and you find yourself hysterically panicking on the inside. So you do what any normal person would do – you procrastinate! I don’t know about you, but this my standard go to during stressful busy times: “I just can’t human right about now, so, I’m going to do something completely random like fold towels instead.”

This always happens to me, for as long as I can remember, I feel overwhelmed by my workload, hysterically panic and try to distract myself by doing something else as a means of escaping from all the mental and emotional anxiety. Two weeks ago I had a lot of work admin to finish, and it all seemed to be due for the same date – by the way, why does that always happen? Just as I would sit down to start on my work, I would find myself after ten minutes getting up to make some tea, or scrolling through social media. Ten minutes turned into half an hour, which then turned into a couple of hours, which then turned into days (thank goodness not years) Which meant I would hustle last-minute in those closing hours to meet my deadline.

I then dramatically vowed to myself that I would never ever do that again. As it was far too stressful for my little heart to bear. Little did I know that to overcome the habit that is procrastination would require constant effort and the retraining of my brain and thought patterns. This was by no means an easy task, and because I am only two weeks into my “no procrastination journey”, I am still learning as I am going.

Here are some interesting things that I have learnt personally, and via extensive research, on everything pertaining to the artful deception that is procrastination.

Signs of procrastination

  • Stopping and starting, and multitasking between other work, and never truly finishing any of them off.
  • Constantly checking emails, or social media.
  • Wanting to do anything and everything but the actual task at hand.
  • Telling yourself that : “you can do it later, or do it tomorrow.”
  • Saying things like “I’m too tired, I will feel more motivated if I have coffee or go to gym or see a friend.”
  • Basically procrastination makes any excuse not to do the work right then and there, it’s the constant putting off of work until the very last-minute. Which in turn causes unnecessary stress.

Why do we procrastinate?

  • Feeling overwhelmed by the task at hand
  • Uncertain of what is expected of you
  • Afraid to make a mistake
  • Easily distracted
  • Wanting to avoid anxiety and stress
  • Too much work all due for the same time

How to curb those procrastination habits

  • Break down each task from the most important all the way down to the least important.
  • Assign each task with a level of priority and due date.
  • Break down every task into attainable goals.
  • Eliminate all possible distractions.
  • Have a daily to-do list.
  • Take breaks in-between, know your concentration space and know when to let your brain rest. But be careful to not let yourself get too distracted with long breaks that could lead to further distraction and procrastination.

Passive aggressive behaviour

Cassan Ferguson
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Passive aggressive behaviour

Some may embrace conflict head on and approach it in a healthy manner. Whilst there are others, who internalize their inner turmoil and anguish, instead indirectly showcase their resentment and disdain through their behaviour. Ultimately passive aggressive people try to avoid conflict, and try to retaliate through their subtle or not subtle cues. However, acting in a passive aggressive way is not healthy, and it will end up not only hurting yourself, but many others.

Signs of passive aggressive behaviour

1 . Ignoring – Ignoring emails, calls, texts, or personally in public settings as a means of sending a message “I am upset with you.”

2 . Excluding – Excluding someone deliberately also sends a rather rude unwelcoming message to the person that you are upset with. It sends a rather obvious message.

3 . Making backhanded comments – Sometimes, jealously, insecurity and passive aggressive behaviour combines into one hot mess and that person ends up saying rather rude comments under their breath.

For example: “Oh you bought a new house, it’s so cute and has potential.” It’s not a sincere comment, yet it’s rather stating that  they think it’s small and a bit of a mess, because it has “potential”. It’s a sneaky way of saying something hurtful.

4 . Keeping score – This could be holding and keeping score of every little offence. For example: “Oh, they didn’t make it to my birthday dinner, so now I won’t go to theirs.” Friendships however do not work like that, you do not keep score in secret and try to pay them back with poor behaviour. Instead, talk to them, communicate your feelings with them and be honest about how you feel, instead of playing  ‘tit for tat’ games.

5. Procrastinating work commitments – Sometimes, passive aggressive people may not love their job or work load, and end up making excuses as to why they can’t finish off projects, or why they can’t attend certain work events – often letting the entire team down last-minute. It may mean that they take longer lunch breaks, or call in sick days because they don’t feel like working. Instead of dealing and confronting the issue – they find other ways to take out their frustration in that environment.

Overcome passive aggressive behaviour

1 . Recognise it – Stop and reflect for a moment and ask yourself if you behave passive aggressively towards others, as a means of letting them have it when you are hurt. Recognize that this behavior trait is not healthy, and will do you no good going forward in life.

2 . Identify your triggers – Start to become aware whenever you catch yourself acting cold or off towards someone. Ask yourself why you are feeling that way. Know what sets you off.

3 . Listen and observe – Once you identify your passive aggressive triggers, do some soul-searching and ask yourself if you are willing to overcome this unhealthy habit by doing what is necessary to overcome this way of behaving.

4 . Confront in love – Overcoming this issue might require you  to have a heart to heart with someone, to confront the issue, to forgive, then to move forward with peace and love in your heart.

 

Different parenting styles

Cassan Ferguson
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Different parenting styles

Not only does our behaviour and the way we speak to each other plays a vital role in influencing our little people, our style of parenting has a major impact on our children’s mental and emotional well-being. Our parenting style, being how we chose to parent our children, has the potential to either positively or negatively affect them as individuals who eventually become adults.

Therefore, it’s always good to touch sides and to know whether our selected parenting style is adding value to our children, or if it is stealing from their future and well-being. Parenting isn’t easy and no one can ever fully prepare you for it. In fact, it feels like you have been thrown into the deep end, and it’s either sink or swim. Most of us try our best to either repeat what we know, what we experienced as kids growing up, or we go the opposite extreme and do the complete opposite as to avoid what our parents did to us. Which may come from a good place with the best of intentions

Your parenting style refers to the combination of strategies that you use to raise your children. The work of Diane Baumrind in the 1960s created one commonly referenced categorization of parenting styles. The four Baumrind parenting styles have distinct names and characteristics: Authoritarian or disciplinarian, permissive , uninvolved , authoritative.

A closer look at the four parenting styles

  1. Authoritarian

Authoritarian parents are very strict and controlling, and expect their children to obey very clearly stated rules. There is no room for give and take, or for the authority of the parents to be challenged. Children who grow up under this parenting style often come across as timid, meek, low self-esteem and always need guidance from authoritative people. `

  1. Authoritative

Whilst these parents may retain authority and control within their homes, they are a bit warmer and communicate better than Authoritarian parents. This dynamic of parenting encourages children to be independent but to be respectful of their parents too. This parenting style may have high expectations for their children, but encourages freedom of expression. Therefore, children grow up feeling independent, and end up being successful.

  1. Permissive

Permissive parents are warm, accepting, and very rarely make demands for their children to meet. This parenting style avoids confrontation, and would prefer to be their childs friend as opposed to being the parents making not so nice parenting calls.

  1. Uninvolved

Uninvolved parenting demands next to nothing, and does not give anything in return. They are not involved in their child’s life, and do not offer any emotional support or nurturing whatsoever!

What is my parenting style?

Very few parents fit into one neat parenting style box. Whilst, the majority of flow between the various styles when needed, our styles of parenting will adapt according to the needs of the child in particular moments and seasons of life that they are in. We need to be aware of nurturing them, whilst instilling confidence and self-discipline – which may meaning moving between the different parenting styles in order to help shape, guide and nurture our children. As parents, we always needs to know how to adjust our parenting style as a means of encouraging them to flourish and grow into all that they are called to be.

Loving others without fear

Cassan Ferguson
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Loving others without fear

Loving others freely without fear being caught up in the midst of it is, well, not easy and does not always come naturally to most of us. We live in a very beautiful, yet broken world, with flawed people, who did not always grow up seeing or experiencing unconditional love. Some people have grown up only knowing divorce, abuse, emotional neglect, brokenness, disappointment, disengaged parenting, or parents leaving and abandoning their children.

Distorted love

Most people have had to endure heartache, pain, and disappointment in places that were meant to be safe spaces for them growing up. Then out of their past being their only reference for what love should be like, they now need to love others from that broken space. Therefore, they will love from a place of fear. They will find it hard to trust others fully. They might either want to control others out of fear of being rejected, or they might run away from love all together as a means of avoiding any pain altogether. You see fear will always stop us from growing in love, as it will always be based on inward internal insecurities.

Real love

Real love always focuses on the other person, it takes the focus off of your fears and it helps you to establish trust as a firm loving foundation within your relationship. A relationship or friendship can never fully thrive when there is fear entangled within it – it will suffocate the relationship, and cause it to come to a dismal end.

In the Bible it says:

 “Love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it … shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love” – 1 John 4:18

In order to be able to love fully and freely, we need to understand and accept the love God has towards us. God loves us fully, not based on conditions and not based on our failures and achievements – He just completely loves us. When we allow God’s perfect love into our hearts, He starts to heal all of our brokenness. His perfect love teaches us how to love others fully and freely, without fear. In His perfect love, we learn to overcome our fears and insecurities, because His perfect love gives us the courage that we need to love others beautifully.

If you are wanting to experience fullness and freedom that comes with perfect unconditional love that God our Father has in store for all of us – then may I encourage you to click on the link below. We would love to chat with you and help you on this journey of experiencing His love!

Worry is optional

Cassan Ferguson
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Worry is optional

How much time do we waste on worrying about things that might possibly never transpire within our lives, yet we still choose to worry about them. Worrying about things, makes you focus on all the things that could possibly go wrong, instead of trusting that it could all work out. Worrying may be caused by fear, fear of the unknown, fear of failing, or fear of being rejected, or fear of feeling disappointed. The thing with worrying is that we waste our present being caught up in past, or potential future, events. Our minds and hearts are at constant war with what was or what might potentially be. When we worry, it not only affects our mental health, but it soon starts to impact our emotions and physical health negatively.

Worry is like a rocking chair — it’s always in motion but it never gets you anywhere. – Joyce Meyer

I know, for me personally, learning not too worry had to become a new habit that I had to learn. As worrying is my natural ‘go-to’ habit whenever I feel overwhelmed, stressed or fearful. I start to panic, and I feel like I am constantly anticipating the worst. Worrying about all the “what-ifs, maybes, and potential doom and gloom”, made it so hard for me to live my life with fullness, authority, joy, confidence, and freedom, because I was so entangled and bound by fear and worry.

I had to come to a place in my life, where I said “enough is enough, I do not want fear or worry to have the last say!” I then started retraining my thoughts and habits into healthier ones.  The following tips below have helped me time and time again to retrain my brain and heart to worry less, and to live more in God’s perfect peace and grace!

Overcome unhealthy worry habits by:

Praying – When we pray and call out to God in those times of stress and worry, it allows us to let go of our fearful thoughts by giving it over to God.

Be thankful – When we take our mind off our anxious thoughts, and we start to focus on all things that we do have in our lives, we become more grateful, because we are focusing on all the good instead of all the bad.

Think on good things – Thinking on good things, is another way of retraining the brain to always look for the good in between all the bad, and to acknowledge it and be thankful for it.

Trust – Trusting is the opposite of fearing. The best place to be in is when we place our full trust into God’s promises. Trusting in Him, takes us out of those dark fearful spaces, and brings us closer towards His light and His perfect peace.

God’s perfect peace – God’s perfect peace allows us to feel confident in His presence, and in our future. Even when things may not make sense, or may feel overwhelming – God’s perfect peace will always guide us and give us the grace and confidence as we go forward.

If you are wanting prayer in overcoming worry and fear, we would love to pray and connect with you. Click on the banner below for more information.

Signs of emotional abuse

Cassan Ferguson
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Signs of emotional abuse

Unlike physical abuse which is violent outbursts, emotional abuse is rather elusive, and lingers on. Sometimes, both parties may not even be aware of it being a problem within their relationship. Emotional abuse involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming and manipulation. Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven’t dealt with.

This may seem obvious to some, but for those in abusive relationships do not always see that this is a problem. Because they have been conditioned over time to believe that it is the norm and their reality.

Signs of emotional abuse

  • They constantly humiliate you in front of others.
  • They constantly disregard or disrespect your opinions or ideas.
  • They refer to you as being overly sensitive as a means of down playing their abusive behaviour.
  • They try to control or treat you like a child.
  • They use sarcasm or say things to make you feel bad about yourself.
  • You constantly feel like you need their permission to go out or to make decisions, incase they don’t approve.
  • They accuse you or blame you for things that aren’t true.
  • They completely cross and disrespect your boundaries.
  • They make excuses for their poor behaviour and try to shift the blame elsewhere.
  • They emotionally manipulate you.
  • As a means of punishing you they will neglect or ignore you to make you feel bad.
  • They make subtle threats as a means of controlling you.

When a broken mess becomes a masterpiece

Many years ago,  before I met my husband, I was with someone who was emotionally abusive. A part of me felt like it was wrong, but my heart and my mind left me feel trapped and helpless in that relationship. That partner made me believe that I was deserving of poor treatment, and that I was lucky to be with them. He constantly broke my character down, called me names, humiliated me, was possessive, and made me feel constantly guilty about who I was.

He wanted complete control over me, so much so that I feared him, and did just about anything to keep him happy, purely because I feared his explosive reactions, and emotional neglect. It was so unhealthy, and I felt so helpless, as I had no clue how to cut those emotional ties with him. My family ended up intervening, and I ended up seeing a psychologist to help with the healing process. It took many years to heal emotionally. I had to forgive my abuser, forgive myself, and I had to unlearn all of those negative ways of thinking and feeling. It took many years, loads of support from family and friends, and my spiritual journey with God helped to empower and strengthen me.

My relationship with God showed me that I was worthy of respect, unconditional love, and that I was created in His perfect beautiful image. Therefore, I am God’s masterpiece, and all works of art should be treated with worth and value. God restored my broken heart, and replaced it with a heart that is soft and that still chooses to trust and to love my husband, regardless of my past.

If God can do it for me, He can do it for you! Do not settle for any poor treatment, if the relationship is unhealthy, and all it does is break you down – then cut all ties with that person immediately. You are deserving of unconditional love!

You don’t need to do what everyone else is doing

Cassan Ferguson
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You don’t need to do what everyone else is doing

“If everyone else jumped into a burning fire, would you jump into it too?” Do you remember being rhetorically asked that question by your parents as kid when you found yourself wanting to do the things that all the other cool kids were doing and justify it with “but everyone else is doing it!” As children growing up we wanted to fit in, to feel a part of the group, and ultimately to feel accepted by others; which is a normal human desire. Hence, when we grow up, we still sometimes want to feel connected, to feel like we are loved, and accepted by others.

Maybe, as a means of finding human connection and acceptance, we force ourselves to do things that we think may make us feel more like everybody else and more loved by others. We may even find ourselves admiring somebody else, or a grouping of people who live and do things a certain way. At times we might then try to force ourselves to be more like them, to do things like them, to almost mimic them, as a means of feeling connected and accepted. We then end up becoming a watered down version of ourselves, as we are using all of our energy and time to be something that we are not.

Don’t let fear drive you

Fear and insecurities often lead us astray, and they distract us from our unique calling. Fear sometimes drives us in the completely opposite direction, and causes us to think, feel, live, and behave in ways that are contrary to who we ought to really be. Sometimes we let fear drive us when it comes to the acceptance and love of others, because we fear rejection. We fear not being loved for who we are, we even may fear that who we are isn’t good enough. We may even fear that who we are may ultimately lead us into a path of loneliness.

Let God’s love lead you

Fear can never lead or bring us to any soulful or spiritual fullness. It will constantly lie to us, and trick us into thinking otherwise all of the time. However, when we understand and get to know the heart and love that God has towards us (all of us) we start to see ourselves as worthy, as valuable, as precious, as beautifully and wonderfully made.

When God’s love fills us, it pushes fear aside, we then no longer strive to “fit in”. We purely just strive to please God through our words and actions. When we let love lead in our hearts, we become more secure in who we are, and will no longer desperately try to find the need to feel accepted by every other person. Instead we will confidently own and celebrate who we are with the world.

Let God’s unconditional and pure love lead you in your day-to-day. If this post has spoken to you and you would love to know more about being in a relationship with God, then may I encourage you to click on the link below.

Being in love with the idea of love

Cassan Ferguson
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Being in love with the idea of love

I had a friend who loved the idea of being in love, therefore, she only dated someone for a few months before upgrading to another new exciting partner. This meant that she never had any real long-lasting commitment or investment in those relationships, and often just bounced in and out of relationships. Whenever, she found herself single, she always longed to be another relationship. She loved the idea of being in love, of being pursued, she loved the chase of it all, and the mushy butterflies that came with those fly by night relationships.

There are some individuals who want to be single, and are quite happy to be single. Then there are others who fall head over heels in love with someone and want to put a ring on it like it’s nobody’s business. Then there are those who love the idea of dating, but don’t really love the commitment that comes with investing in a long-term relationship.

What do you really want?

If you had to look over your track record when it comes to your dating life, are you looking for those fly by night fleeting relationships, or are you looking for something more and not quite sure how or why you can’t get there?

I think in essence after a while as humans we long for emotional connection and intimacy, a safe place where we feel loved, and where we feel at home. However, this mature love is something that blossoms with time, it doesn’t happen over night. It needs to be cultivated, nurtured, and it needs patience, time, and devotion. Therefore, I think it is always important to know what it is you are wanting out of relationships, or if you even want to be in one to begin with. Always know where your heart is at, and make wise decisions out of that space.

Does fear propel you?

My friend who struggled with her dating life, had deep internal issues when it came to trusting men. She feared that someone would break her heart, therefore, before anyone could fall head over heels – she would put it to a rather abrupt ending.

Fear propelled her to keep on running and to keep on chasing the idea of love. Let faith and love lead you instead when it comes to relationships, as opposed to fear. You will be happier and braver for it.

You deserve real love in your life

Sometimes, we believe the lie that we are not deserving of real authentic love. That’s maybe why sometimes we run from it, or avoid it all together. It may seem too good to be true, and a bit fantastical and far-fetched. Real love grows and develops over time. Real love requires commitment, faith, time to learn and discover from one another. You are deserving of that kind of love, both in the sowing of it and in the reaping the benefits of it.

Choose well, choose wisely, and lean in with everything that you’ve got! And remember, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, with perfect people in it. Rather, it’s about imperfect people finding ways to grow individually and together as a couple, despite imperfections and flaws. Just willing hearts wanting to make it work.

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