Crying, the beloved country…
This week there was an altercation between a man and a woman at a Spur restaurant in South Africa. The conflict started as some fighting between their children but soon became a much bigger issue as the man took on the mother at her table in front of her children calling her offensive names and threatening violence. She responded with some strong words of her own.
Social media was divided about whether or not this was indeed yet another racist incident in a long line of race incidents that have come across our screens in the last year.
CAN’T WE ALL JUST BE FRIENDS
This post is not even really about that. 2016 was a terrible year in South Africa for race incidents and the big five that come to mind are Penny Sparrow, the Pretoria Girls High hair incident, the Andre Slade guest house debacle, the coffin assault and yet another beach description by Ben Sasonof (all of which you can read about here).
And every time that I, or others, discussed these incidents on social media there would be someone (or someones) taking us on for making everything about race or looking for an argument.
The underlying cry of many people in the face of adversity that doesn’t directly affect them, it to seek out comfort and positive attitude and simplistic solutions. We tend to shy away from things that are messy, painful, complicated, difficult and above all, confrontational.
We often want to wrap things up in pretty packages and tie them neatly with a bow.
AWKWARDLY SHAPED GIFT
One thing you need to consider, when dealing with an issue of racism or sexism, of patriarchy or gender dispute, of the haves and the have-nots, is that solutions generally are not easy. When you have a complicated problem, the solution is more than likely going to be a difficult one to achieve.
The problem though with papering over the cracks or applying a band-aid to a problem of significance is that your “solution” is only a temporary one.
A problem that is deeply affecting a large number of people is not going to sit quietly in the corner. Rather it will grow and inflate and expand and push at the covers you have tried to contain it with, but at some point it is going to explode and that is not going to be pretty.
HOW THEN SHALL WE LIVE?
The issue might be different in the country you are from. But the principle is the same.
When it comes to significant matters, we have to expect to give them due focus. And more often than not that will not be comfortable, easy or conflict free. We need to learn to be okay with difficult, awkward, uncomfortable and confrontational, especially if it promises us a much deeper and more thorough dealing with the issue.
Too often we want to speed through a process that requires all concerned to really put in the effort so that it can be properly dealt with.
I’m reminded of the story of the man who was watching a cocoon with a silkworm in it. The silkworm was transforming into a beautiful butterfly, but really seemed to be struggling to break through the wall of the cocoon and so eventually, the man could take it no longer and grabbed some scissors and carefully cut a hole in the side of the cocoon. The butterfly was free, but the man noticed that the wings of the creature were weak and deformed. It is through the process of pushing repeatedly against the wall of the cocoon that the butterfly is able to strengthen her wings so that she will be able to fly with them. In trying to skip the difficult and awkward and painful and confrontational, the man had robbed the insect of the very thing she needed to function properly.
We need to be careful when we are trying to rush or fast forward a process that might itself be valuable in terms of our growth or strengthening. When conflict rears its head, don’t be too quick to dismiss it or try to rush to the finish line without doing the necessary work. In so doing, you might be missing out on what the journey itself has to offer you.
Can you remember a time when pushing through a tough time strengthened you and grew you for something later in life? Share it with us in the comments below.