“But I have black friends!”
How many times have you heard that online when someone is being challenged about a racist comment or attitude they have displayed?
When someone whips out a phrase pointing out that they can’t possibly be racist because of being able to name three people of another race they have some kind of connection with, it is usually a telling sign.
As if, by logical reasoning, a person cannot be a serial killer if they are friends with live people?
IT’S ALL IN THE DEFINITION
While I was thinking about this topic, I did a little bit of research on the internet to find out what others thought and came upon these two very interesting comments:
Someone going under the alias of “Coughing Lamb” had this to say:
It’s possible that this misunderstanding has to do with how people are defining “racist”. If you define racism as a “hatred” for another race, then yes, it is not likely that someone who hates a particular race would also be friends with a member of that race. But I think a more accurate definition of racism is believing that one race is inherently superior or inferior to another. It’s perfectly possible for someone to be friends with another person while viewing them as “inferior”.
On my journey as a recovering racist (in the sense that I grew up in South Africa and so how can I not have had a whole heap of racist mindsets, attitudes, and systems affect me in both subtle and deeper ways) that describes (to my embarrassment and shame) a shift of thinking that is still in the process of taking place. While I never hated a black person or person of another race, there are many times where I certainly felt superior to them, and if I’m honest, those were based on the colour of my skin.
No-one wants to be called a racist, and I know I certainly don’t. But at the same time, if I refuse to admit even the subtlest of occasions where that kind of prejudice pops up in my mind and possibly my actions as well, then I am never going to be able to fully heal.
YOUR RACISM HAS EXCEPTIONS
The second comment I found particularly helpful was by “Edge of Dreams” who had this to say:
There’s also the kind of racism that says, “Most black people suck, but not Bob, he’s cool”, which is often because or implies Bob is cool because he “acts white” in some way. It’s still racist, even if your racism has exceptions.
Wow, there is so much in there, but let’s just focus on that last line and use it as a lens to return to the original statements: Your racism has exceptions.
So when you are engaging with someone online (or in real life) and they make a suggestion that you are racist or are holding on to a racist attitude, and your response is: But I have black/coloured/Indian friends. one likely answer is that your racism has exceptions. And in my experience it is likely to be that the friends you have of other races are very likely quite similar to you in terms of socio-economic status, privilege, and possibly life experience to some extent.
THE GREAT IRONY
While the argument “I have black friends” is unlikely to convince anyone you are not racist, it is pointing us towards the answer.
I firmly believe that one of the huge keys in terms of moving South Africa forwards well is by more people developing deeper friendships with those who are different in terms of race, culture, or socio-economic status. So stop saying “I have black friends” and have some black friends. The moment we start really engaging with people, the issues can no longer be held at arms length and discussed and opinionated on. Now it’s my friend who is being refused restaurant bookings because of his name or finding it harder to rent in Sea Point because of the colour of his skin and so on.
And when someone starts hating on my friend, that’s when I’m going to really spring into action.
How are you doing in this? Are you, like me, struggling as a recovering racist to try to be better at listening and learning and developing deeper friendships with people who are not like you? What is one positive story you have to share on this?