Anger happens. Chances are you see or experience it in some for or other every single day. Road rage. Social media rants. Frustration at the supermarket checkout; anger can happen just about anywhere, but that doesn’t mean it’s always appropriate or helpful. Uncontrollable anger in an adult is ugly and can be highly destructive; in a child it’s not different and can be heart breaking for the parents.
Weathering the storm
It’s important to remember that anger, in itself, isn’t wrong. It’s a natural emotion that is our body’s way of getting into fight mode. The problems start when anger is allowed free-reign, free expression and becomes unmanageable. Children get angry for all manner of reasons and lack the emotional ability to control their feeling. It’s up to us as parents to help them work through the rage they may feel and find a helpful way of dealing, or expressing, their anger.
Here are a few things that may help you, help your child with anger.
Stay calm
A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare – Proverbs 15:1
In the face of a raging child it can be tempting to rage back but this along adds fuel to the fire. Keeping calm and controlled is the best response and models the kind of behaviour your child should be displaying. If you can keep a clear head it will help you to judge how best to help your child with their feelings.
Acknowledge the feelings
Ignoring or belittling the intense feelings of your child will only add to the issue at hand. If you take the time to recognise that there they are upset or frustrated, they are more likely to listen and take on board the advice you give. Sometimes just knowing that Mom and Dad understand and empathise with their struggle can help to diffuse the angry feelings.
Recognise the signals
Anger tends to build (in grown-ups as well as kids) and if you can catch it early it’s easier to manage. Recognising the warning signs that an outburst is coming can help you to diffuse an angry episode before it reaches full-steam. Pointing out that your child is getting worked up also helps them to recognise their feeling and teaches them to be aware of their own emotional state.
Find the cause
Very often when anger takes over communication goes out the window. Encourage your child to tell you why they’re mad. What is it that is making them so angry? What would help them feel better? Finding the cause and looking for a solution takes the attention off the problem and gives the emotion a better outlet than just raging or destroying things.
Develop coping techniques
When anger becomes an issue teach your child ways to calm down. It might be for an older child that they can step away from whatever it is that is making them cross or maybe write down how they are feeling. For a younger child, taking deep breaths or doing an angry dance might help. Destruction of property or harming someone else is never acceptable so finding an alternative outlet can help manage their emotional response.
Be there
Extreme emotions can be scary and anger especially so. Anger also has the ability to alienate and this is particularly unhelpful for children. If your child is angry let them know that you’re still there for them, even if it’s you that they are angry with. If your child knows that they can depend on you they are more likely to develop the necessary skills needed to cope with their emotions and solve their problems.
As a parent, knowing how to navigate the various challenges that come with raising children can be difficult and draining. The key is to remain patient and recognise the wonder and value of your children. Everyone has hard days and situations that demand every ounce of their capacity but God chose you to parent your child and give you the grace you need to do it well. On top of that God cares for your family and if you ask He will help you to be the parent He intended you to be.
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