Do you find that no matter how busy your schedule is, if someone asks you a favour, you always say yes? Even if you have no idea how you’re going to manage another task? If you generally put other people’s needs before your own chances are you’re a people pleaser.
The heart of the matter
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help people. It is actually a good thing. Being considerate of someone else’s needs and being kind to people who need help is also a good thing. The trouble with people pleasing is that the motivation for helping out is less about caring for someone else’s wellbeing and more about being liked and accepted. Fear of being rejected causes you to say yes when you really want to say no, and that is never a good reason to do things for people. Living out of a need to please everyone creates a life where you are constantly trying to measure up. Sadly you’ll probably end up pleasing no one, including yourself. If you find yourself saying yes to something just so someone will like you, maybe it’s time to make a change.
Choose to be true
You can please some of the people all of the time. You can please all of the people some of the time. But you can’t please all of the people all of the time – John Lydgate
- Accept it
To break the habit of people pleasing you must make peace with the fact that not everyone is going to like you. It may be a hard fact to swallow but it’s OK! You will disappoint some people and possibly annoy others, but those who love you for who you are, and not what you do, will stick around. - Be Honest
If you find yourself saying yes to something that makes you uncomfortable or that you really don’t want to do, be honest with yourself about how you feel. Pretending to be happy only to please someone so that they’ll like you is actually manipulative and dishonest. Don’t deceive people by doing things you don’t agree with. Be true to yourself and allow people to like you based who you really are, rather than the distorted picture you’re trying to create. - Take your time
As a people pleaser, you may automatically default to ‘yes’ before you’ve had a chance to consider what is being asked. It’s perfectly okay to take your time and think about whether you want to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Think things through, give yourself the space you need before committing and if an answer is needed immediately, ‘no’ is also an acceptable response.
- Don’t worry about why
‘No’ is a hard word for people pleasers and it can be tempting to soften the response with a whole list of excuses. As much as this may make you feel better, it’s just another way of gaining acceptance by reasoning. Be polite but stick with your convictions. You don’t need to justify your decisions or explain yourself.
Barking up the wrong tree
Looking for acceptance with people and trying to please them so that they will like you is never going to bring the satisfaction that you seek. Placing the opinion of others on a pedestal will mean you’re always striving for something that you will never be able to keep hold of. The bible encourages us to rather focus on what God thinks of us, instead of seeking the good opinion of other people.