His mom seems to think he’s in the throes of the tween years, but I wonder if my nine-year-old nephew is just being a bit stroppy. He’s taken to donning an unfamiliar scowl on his young face, challenges decisions made by authority figures and chooses to sit in adult company rather than play, stating matter-of-factly that he’s too old for games.
I’m not sure what to make of it all and now that our almost nine-year-old twin boy and girl have started displaying similar traits, I can’t help but wonder if they’re being influenced by their slightly older cousin or if the hormones are indeed kicking in and there really is something to the “tween” label?
“Tween” is a term that describes a young person between the ages of 8-14, when they are “between” childhood and the teenage years – a blend of “between” and “teen”.
I’m not a fan of labels, but these recent developments with my nephew and our twins have made me realise that I need to be aware of some unavoidable changes in our little ones. Also, it’s not all bad and it needn’t be scary. As an informed parent, navigating these pre-teen years with a positive attitude can help build a solid foundation for the challenges of the teen and young adult years. Because a pre-teen is more emotionally aware and intellectually advanced, we can help them understand and respond more positively to these changes.
Here are a few things to keep in mind ahead of or in the midst of the tween years:
- Everything is up for re-negotiation: discipline, school, homework, and time with family. Maintain a strong bond with your child, while encouraging age-appropriate freedom.
- You’ll need to re-consider the way you discipline your tween. As your child progresses from child to adolescent, it may be wise to choose your battles and allow them more responsibility.
- As their hormones kick in with puberty approaching, the influence of their peer group will increase dramatically. Know your child’s friends. Encourage them to seek out positive influences and relate real examples of teens that didn’t make wise choices and the negative consequences of those choices. Keep stories about your own life to positive examples, illustrating how you overcame obstacles, for instance.
- Tweens want to feel grown up and will naturally copy adult behaviour. Although they want to fit in with their peers, they still rely on you, as the parent, to provide a safe environment and guide them in age-appropriate behaviour.
- Learn to ask helpful questions and become a good listener. The tween years provide an excellent opportunity to teach great values, and this is best achieved by listening and relating, rather than lecturing and dictating.
- Encourage your tween to embrace good self-management techniques. Getting at least 8-9 hours’ sleep a night, eating healthily, and getting regular exercise will all go a long way to reducing moodiness and will establish positive life-long habits.
- They may say unexpected or unkind things. Don’t take it personally and don’t overreact. Love them unconditionally, stay calm, and encourage mutual respect.
- They may develop some anxiety or dependency as they become aware of changes in their bodies, the pressure of growing up, and the fear they may feel at the thought of separating from you as parent.
- They’ll question your ideas and values and compare them to their peers.
- They may make an effort to negotiate and stand on their own.
- They see things as black or white and may show a genuine interest and curiosity in spiritual things and faith.
- They love being connected through the use of the internet and cell phones and see electronic devices as an extension of themselves.
- They value social time with friends and family.
I initially dismissed the idea that our children may be entering the tween years – primarily out of fear of the unknown. As I consider the possibility more seriously however, I see how this could be an exciting time for us as a family if we embrace, rather than run from the reality that our children are growing up and we’re on this journey together.
Tweens need to know that they have a secure home from which they can launch into the exciting but scary world outside the family. Children who feel disconnected from their parents lose their anchor and will often look for it in their peer group. You can make it through the tween years with a firm foundation for the coming teen years by maintaining a strong bond with your child, while encouraging age-appropriate freedom.
And finally, I believe in the power of prayer. I pray for our children every day and ask God for His wisdom and discernment in raising them. Then, I surrender them to Him – after all, God is our Heavenly Father and He takes good care of us, His children.