I just accepted a great job several hours away from where I currently live. I have a great group of friends here, and I’m really sad to leave them. I want to keep these friendships, but I don’t want to get stuck in the past too much while I’m adjusting to my new life. How do I navigate that?

– Fickle Friend

Dear Fickle,

Yours is a question we all will face at some point in our lives: What the heck happens to friendships as our lives change & why is having friends as an adult so hard?

As we get older, genuine friendships just don’t happen as easily or authentically as they once did. It takes longer to build up a close-knit crew after we leave school, and each relationship looks totally different.

You don’t need to feel guilty if you don’t stay super close with all your friends. It’s tough, but normal. You’re not alone in navigating changes to friendships.

Friendships go through seasons. And just because things change doesn’t mean they have to be bad. It’s just reality. A solid friendship at 18 might look like late-night study groups and spending every waking hour together; at 30, married and maybe with kids, it might mean the occasional dinner, text or almost quarterly run-ins where you pick up where you left off (hopefully).

But you’re right in not wanting to cling so tightly to your old friends that you can’t make space for new ones. You’ll need friends living in the day to day with you. Friendships are vital. We need other people, their perspectives, their encouragement. Biblically, it’s also pretty clear that making yourself vulnerable and available to others is huge. Here are just a couple of ways the Bible talks about friends:

Friends make you better & friends help you in times of need.

Face Reality

Chances are, you’ll see and talk to your friends less often after you move. You’ll also make new friends. So you can’t expect things to just be business as usual. The nature of your friendships will change, and that’s OK.

Recognize it, consider how you can/should adjust and roll with it. You may have to make some mistakes or have some tough conversations, but that’s reality. It’s better to anticipate this stuff than be blindsided.

Talk It Out

Speaking of tough conversations, if you find yourself experiencing those awkward feels around one of your old friends, or maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed with guilt because of your “poor performance” as a friend, talk it out with whomever you need to.

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