I had a friend in university, let’s call her Ashley. Ashley was tall, blonde, smart, and rich. The boys loved her and she knew it. Ashley viewed the “friends” in her life as means to an end – her end. She loved you when she wanted a group of people to go out with. She loved you when nobody else wanted to sit next to her in lectures; but when roles were reversed Ashley wasn’t interested.
At the end of first year Ashley broke up with her boyfriend and decided I was the friend of choice for rehashing the situation. I was still getting adjusted to university life; I came from a small town and I didn’t realise quite how shallow Ashley was, which made me the ideal ear. I never in my life listened to so much relationships drama. Ashley went on and on and on and in the process I began to feel used. She never asked about me and if I did try and input anything into the conversation she soon shook it off and continued with her train of thought.
Ashley, and many other hard lessons, have taught me the value of being assertive. Assertiveness helps you get the things you need while preserving relationships over the long term.
This idea is even seen in the Bible.
As you enter the house, greet it. And if the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it, but if it is not worthy, let your peace return to you. And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. – Matthew 10:12-15
This verse is saying you should not say yes to everything, but you should not say no in a way that is manipulative or mean. I am naturally more quiet, gentle, and patient, so being assertive is a difficult skill for me. Yet, as the years have passed I have grown my ability to be more assertive, and you can too.
Learn to say NO
You can’t stop people from asking you things or expecting things of you. Don’t let your boss ask you to pull off a project at 5pm. You can’t make that girl at work who won’t do her part of the project stop siding it onto your plate – but you can say no. Just like that: No. When you say no you protect yourself. You protect your relationships, resources, and time.
Stay calm
When you are being assertive it is important to remain calm. People will be more likely to respect what you have to say and receive your input if you aren’t throwing things across the room or crying in a heap. Give yourself time to think through the issue and then calmly confront this with the person involved.
Examine your beliefs
What do you believe is the results of saying no? Do you think you may lose a job; lose a friend? Are these beliefs rational? Has it happened before? Most of the time the consequences of a fair conversation with a refusal are not as negative as we like to believe. Run through your beliefs in your head and don’t let them affect your ability to be mature about an issue. Check with a trusted friend if need be.
Don’t apologise or put yourself down when you ask
When people aren’t used to being assertive they often apologise or put themselves down when they make the request. Take the example of your boyfriend expecting dinner every night. You may be approaching the issue like this: “I’m sorry to have to ask you to help me. I know you want to drink beer, but if it’s okay could you maybe help me? I’m so bad at getting everything done.” Instead, you can be upfront about the issue: “I’ve been thinking about our relationship’s dynamic and I would like to let you know that I feel as if you assume I will make you dinner every evening. I don’t have time to do this and I would appreciate support in this area.” The second response is direct and less apologetic.
Own your choice
In order to be assertive we have to learn to put away our passive victim mentality. If you boyfriend expects dinner every night and you don’t like doing it, but you continue to do it without saying anything, you are opting out. If you opt out and don’t own your side of the issue, you can’t feel bad about the negative outcome. Own your choice, your ability to change the situation, and become a problem solver instead of a victim. Stand up for yourself!