“Why was that lady so mean to her dog?” My son asked as we walked past the woman who’d just shouted at her dog and hit it. “Because it didn’t do what she wanted it to do, but it was unkind and wrong”, I said before hugging him and waving him goodbye at the school gates.
This incident, along with recent reports of the breakup of former Spice Girl Mel B’s ten year marriage to Stephen Belafonte, who she claims was controlling, got me thinking about control vs influence.
As a parent, I’m all too familiar with the urge to control our children and it’s a trait that, if unchecked, can easily creep into a marriage, friendships, the workplace and every aspect of life, with devastating consequences.
What many of us don’t realise however is that control is an illusion. While you can’t really control anyone (apart from yourself maybe), you can influence nearly everyone.
Michael Hyatt suggests four ways we can influence, rather than control others:
- Focus on yourself. Model the kind of behaviour you’d like to see in others.
- Take the initiative. Don’t blame others for poor outcomes, but rather look for what you can do to bring about positive change. Use your initiative and take action.
- Cast the vision. People often want to do something significant but they need a compelling vision to work towards.
- Appreciate the effort. Catch someone doing something good and say “thank you”.
It may be tempting to try to control those around us, but it’s far more rewarding to influence them for the good.
“If we’re going to make a difference, we are going to have to sharpen our leadership skills and get better at wielding our influence” – Michael Hyatt.