What is your primary love language?
Years ago I came upon a book by Gary Chapman titled The Five Love Languages with the subtitle: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.
It made a lot of sense to me and mostly because of a drawer full of chocolate bars.
But let’s rewind a little…
NICE IDEA, WRONG LANGUAGE
My wife Valerie loves to tell the story of when we were dating and I used to give her chocolates pretty much every time I saw her. Let me disclaim that I am a huge fan of chocolate and so “giving me raisin-free chocolate” is probably a more specific version of one of my primary love languages.
Valerie, on the other hand, is more of a sour sweet type of person. So while I was trying too convey love to her, by giving her something I really loved, it wasn’t something that she really loved and so she ended up with a drawer full of chocolates and a housemate who secretly felt very much loved by me.
It literally was a nice idea, but the wrong language. And by literally, I clearly mean metaphorically.
WHAT’S YOUR LANGUAGE? AND WHAT IS HERS?
Even if I had gotten it a little more right and given her the sour jellytots or worms that she prefers, I still would have been missing the mark.
You see, receiving gifts is one of my primary love languages, but it is not one of Valerie’s.
The five love languages Chapman lists are the following:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch
The thinking behind the love languages is that each of us has one or two on this list that are the primary way that we receive love. So for one person, going for a walk on the beach together as a form of quality time with their person might be the biggest way they feel loved, but for another it might be having their person replace a broken lightbulb for them as an act of service.
One action is not necessarily better than another action, but you could do the same action for two different people and have them feel more loved if it is one of their primary languages.
What is super helpful for me in this is figuring out (which you can do with your person ’cause after all they are more likely to know than you are) what the person you love’s love language is. And for them to be able to know what yours is.
We tend to give to other people what we like to receive (hence the drawer full of chocolate) but once I was able to realise that Valerie would far more prefer a walk in the forest (quality time) or for me to do a load of laundry (acts of service) than any gift I could give her, from then on I would be able to know how to love her more effectively.
I would highly encourage you to get hold of the book because Gary Chapman breaks it down in ways that make a lot of sense in terms of helping you grow in your relationship or marriage. But start with looking at the list of five love languages and maybe try and identify your partner’s and let them guess at yours, and then let each other know how close they were.
That simple act of understanding your person’s love language might revolutionise your relationship forever.