“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit.” – Psalm 51:17
I keep on getting this feeling that God is saying to me, “want me more.” And I’m going to be honest here, usually what I do is ignore the voice. I push it aside amongst the other clamouring voices in my head and I say, “yeah but God, there’s stuff I need to do. And I don’t want to give up these other things. I’m sure you’re fine with where we’re at. Right?”
Wrong. This goes on for a while, I ignore God’s quiet tugs at my heart and He persists. Eventually, I get to a place where I can only describe what is going on in my spirit as… broken. The things of the world, all my hustling, bustling and get up and go start to tear me apart and because I am ignoring God nothing is pulling it all together. I start to feel sad more often. I feel disillusioned. The every day pulls me more and more.
Then I do break. I break and I come crawling back to God with my head in my hands and my heart ready to listen. This process can take a few weeks or in my experience, it has taken years. My spirit is broken and I have created a gap in my heart to which the maker of the Universe who greatly seeks my calls can move in to and fill.
We all like to think we’ve got it all together
Isn’t that what we do? I do. I like to think, ‘girl you got this. For real. Watch you go with your awesome time management skills and your big ideas. Watch you go running those meetings and telling those people what they can and can’t do. Look at you with your big career and your many friends. You’re doing well. You got it good’. But do we really? If we peel back the big piece of “I’m fine,” are we really fine. As in fine down to the core of our souls?
I like the happy resolutions in life
We all like the happy resolutions in life. We enjoy the yes, I got the job. I had the baby. I ran the marathon. But what about the parts and pieces which aren’t all happy resolutions? What about the unanswered questions? What about the times when someone hurt you? What about the disappointment which seems to circle round and pass you by year after year. What about that? We can’t skip the pain in life because it is the pain that turns our hearts to God.
Our culture doesn’t value broken-ness
Society doesn’t give you any points for being humble or vulnerable. Nope. Everyone is running around playing a giant game of ‘look at how successful I am’. People don’t gravitate to those who tell them, ‘yeah I’m kinda figuring it out’. People gravitate to those who tell you, ‘yes I’ve got SO many friends and I’m feeling so great about everything’. The media taunts us in a constant game of ‘look how great you could be if you did xyz”.
God created us with a need for him
We just don’t pay attention to how healthy our spirit is. We go on with our lives and we don’t listen to the still small voice. We don’t stop when we should. We don’t surrender because it’s hard and we don’t obey because it requires change. God created us with a need for Him which nothing, no person or thing, can fill. We can run from it, or we can gently give in, surrender and give God back our broken spirit so that He can put it together again.
What is God saying to you?
I can’t tell you what the quiet whispers in your soul are achingly repeating. I can’t make you slow down or listen to them. I can encourage you, with this rare opportunity that I have to drop the ‘I’m fine“. Let go the pretence and turn your broken spirit over to the one who created it.