Kids should come with manuals
I love kids and I love being a parent. Having said that, parenting is most definitely not what I thought it was going to be. To be honest, before my firstborn came into this world, I’m not sure I really had any idea what being a parent really looked liked, but like all first-timers, I learnt on the job. Now, nearly 8 years on, with four amazing kiddies running around, I’d love to say I’ve got it all figured out but the truth is I’m still learning on the job and trying not to completely mess up these incredible little individuals.
Of all the aspects of being “Mom” I’ve encountered along the way, I can, with all sincerity, say that figuring out how to set and keep healthy discipline boundaries has been one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced. Not only that – just when I think I’ve got it all together, and my children are behaving like the angels I know they are, and all is well with the world, something, somewhere shifts, the sky starts falling and I have to start the process again. I love being a parent but it certainly isn’t a job for the faint-hearted!
The ‘D’ word
Discipline is such a misconstrued word. In many minds it’s equated with punishment, but punishment is about paying for something you’ve done wrong. Discipline, on the other hand, is about setting limits and drawing lines to keep you from doing something that will require punishment. The purpose of discipline is to teach a child how to be in control of themselves and act in a way that is acceptable. A child without boundaries or lacking in discipline is literally out of control and it’s a very sad thing to see. There are no limits, no restrictions; and as amazing as this might sound in theory, in practice it’s a very scary place for any child.
Why are boundaries and discipline important?
- Sense of Security: Boundaries and discipline are a vital part of a child’s sense of security. In the same way that routines surrounding meals and bedtime are comforting and build a sense of continuity, boundaries and limits that are consistent, reduce uncertainty, and consequently the anxiety that comes with it. As parents we need to remember that children are just children. As much as they may act as though they want their own way, they feel much safer when they know a trusted adult is in control.
- Preparation for the real world: Discipline is all around us. As adults we live in a world where there are rules and boundaries that tell us what is acceptable within society and what is not. Grown-ups know that you can’t always get what you want and throwing a tantrum isn’t going to change that. Disciplining your child is a way of showing them that the world doesn’t always revolve around them and their needs and teaches them how to accept that.
A marathon, not a sprint
Discipline is never a quick fix or about finding an easy shortcut. It requires patience and buckets of self-control (and a healthy sense of humour is a helpful bonus). Discipline is an integral part to raising well-rounded, lovely, healthy individuals who will hopefully add something good to the world rather than just take.
Here are a few things to keep in mind when setting boundaries for your children:
- Plan ahead: It’s hard to create discipline in the heat of the moment. Have boundaries and limits in place and make sure your child knows what you expect from them before things start to fall apart.
- Look ahead: When setting limits, think about what kind of person you want your child to be when they’re older. If you want them to be courteous and treat people with respect, tailor your discipline around how they treat others.
- Be consistent: Once you’ve set a boundary or a rule, stick to it. This applies to your routines as well, e.g. bed time, meals, etc.
- Stay in control: This one is two-fold: remember you’re the parent and you’re in charge but also keep yourself under control. Never let your anger or frustration get the better of you.
- Keep your expectations age-appropriate: You’re setting everyone up for a fall if you’re asking a three-year-old to follow the same discipline as a nine-year-old.
- Love your child: Discipline can be tough and frustrating for everyone involved but your child still needs to know that you’re on their side and your love is not conditional.
Children are a gift from God. They are precious beyond words and the task of raising a child is an amazing privilege – but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I think at some point most parents feel completely out of their depth and wonder what on earth they’re doing. There are days when you will feel that it’s all gone wrong and other days when everything will work like a dream. Yet, regardless of whether it’s plain sailing or a perfect storm: tomorrow is another day to pick yourself up and try again.